When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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