I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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