My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
