Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
