We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
