he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
