i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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