I think I am morally bankrupt
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
