ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
