I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
