If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
