I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
