You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
is that a dick in a sweater?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
