theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
