just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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