i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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