where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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