Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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