last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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