Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I will be naked everywhere
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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