Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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