Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
