I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
