drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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