Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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