I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
