my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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