I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
