i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
