My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
