I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
