Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
