no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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