I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
