He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Watching her eat just hurts me
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
