Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
