Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
