you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
