You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Randomize
