Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
jump out the window naked night went bad
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