someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
