I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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