I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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