also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
