So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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