Already got asked if we're dating
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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