you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
