When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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