We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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