u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
