i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
