she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
