Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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