super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
